This list isn’t a joke.
1. We’re guaranteed to make your day better, like a human version of pizza. Had a crappy day at work? Get in a fight with your best friend? You know that if you call us up to hang out, we’ll get you laughing.
2. Funny guys are like garlic: bland stuff suddenly gets way better. We’ll make even boring stuff awesome. Do you have to go help your brother move out of his dorm? Bring us along. Awkward family wedding? Check and see if you get a plus-one.
3. We hate being called “funny guys.” On a personal note, I hate writing this and even self-identifying as being funny. If people introduce us as funny or ask us to tell a joke on the spot, we’ll retreat into our (probably) metaphorical shells.
4. Yes, we will make jokes during serious talks. Bear with us and don’t get mad. Sometimes we can’t resist making a so-bad-it’s-really-bad-and-almost-good pun or throwing out an actually good one-liner. These moments might come during a serious talk about where our relationship is headed. Brace yourself.
5. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be serious. Half the time we’re making jokes, we’re still taking things seriously. But we’re not about to start screaming, “HEY, GANG! WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH DEATH, HUH? WHERE DO WE GO WHEN WE DIE? WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?” at your great aunt’s funeral like some terrible stand-up. We are not insane. We still understand societal norms.
6. Just because we can crack some jokes doesn’t mean we secretly want to break into comedy. Most of us are content with just making people laugh. Don’t keep pushing us to take an improv class unless we bring it up. And if we do, get ready for long, weird hours and lots of questions about whether or not a particular joke is funny as we quadruple-guess ourselves.
7. Get ready for us to be really elitist about some of your favorite TV shows.
Fuck The Big Bang Theory . Let’s move on.
8. THERE’S PAIN BEHIND THESE EYES . All right, let’s dial it down a bit, but just because we’re making jokes doesn’t mean we’re constantly happy-go-lucky. If anything, it’s a defense mechanism. Even if we’re laughing, just check in with us sometimes.
9. We can’t always be “on” with you. While our friends typically get our whole funny shtick 24/7, you’re not always going to get that with us. Sometimes we need to be boring and unfunny.
10. We are your secret weapon at office dinner parties. We’ll charm the hell out of anyone you need us to. Your boss? You coworkers? That weird guy you can’t quite figure out? We’re all best friends now. We are like locksmiths but with people.